He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
