bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
