So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
