I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
