I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
