drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
