Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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