im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize