I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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