Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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