Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
