Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
