Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
