so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
