He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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