Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
