I saw his package. It spoke to me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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