This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
