If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
