ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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