we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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