Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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