Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
