I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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