i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
