I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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