My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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