I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
