chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
