I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
