I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
