i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
