you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
