I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
