They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
