your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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