Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
