WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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