Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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