I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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