my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
