So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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