Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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