i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
