He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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