I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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