Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
