there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
