I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
All the doctor said was why
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
