theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
