Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
PANTIES FOUND
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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