Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
