Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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