My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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